Haiku Thursday: Cancelled Meeting Edition

Trump, Kim Jong–cancel
your meetings, just know Haiku
Thursday’s here to stay

Satire Saturday: Man Dressed as American Revolution Soldier Shoots TV During Royal Wedding

Nathaniel Jackson, a 31 year old warehouse worker from Ooltewah, Tn was excited to watch the Royal Wedding. A history buff and enthusiastic war re-enactor, Jackson decided to wear his American Revolution outfit for the event. He had just worked a 12 hour shift and thought a few Red Bulls would be enough to keep him awake. Instead, he began dozing off. Unfortunately, he was holding his custom made, 18th century pistol often used for dueling. He was awakened when his gun–thankfully pointed at the tv–went off, shattering his new flatscreen. He plans to save up for a new television set and to continue re-enacting with his friends. #satiresaturday

 

Modern Seinfeld Monday: The Grammys Party

Jerry becomes the latest comic caught in the #metoo movement after he does a show at a club with a green room so small he thinks it’s a bathroom. A female comic walks in on him changing and accuses him of inappropriate behavior.

Kramer’s Ancestry.com shows that he has more Jewish DNA than he thought. He decides to study to become a rabbi…until the Newman gets him reservations to the hottest seafood restaurant in New York.

Elaine gets invited to a Grammys party by a producer for Bruno Mars. When she arrives she realizes that its a Grammys viewing party and that the producer works for Brüno Martz, the hottest young musician in Yugoslavia.

The new barista at George’s favorite coffee shop likes to talk football and looks a lot like fired NY Giants coach Ben McAdoo. George keeps trying to find out his last name, which gets him banned from the shop. Guest appearance by Eli Manning.

 

Fake Quote Friday

“What can I do? What can I say? / Is there another way / Blunts and gin all day, twenty-fo’ parlay / My lil’ homie G / Can’t you see, I’m busta free / All eyez on me” –Kate Middleton #fakequotefriday

Haiku Thursday: Time Travel Edition

Time travelers meeting,
scheduled for today, will now
meet last Thursday

#haikuthursday #foundpoetry

Haiku Thursday: “Help Me!”

9/11 what’s your

emergency? “If you cared

you’d already know!”

#haikuthursday #911

Satire Saturday: The Onion and Education

State legislatures are suing The Onion because an article that was intended to be a joke about how education policy gets decided has turned out to be true. #satiresaturday #theonion

Modern Seinfeld Monday: The BBW

Someone anonymously pays for George’s meal. And instead of feeling grateful, it send him into a tailspin.

George: This is no good.…
Jerry: Someone paid for your meal. Your whole life is centered around getting others to pay for your meals.
George: You don’t understand. I don’t know the unwritten rules of doing good.
Jerry: Well, that will come with experience.
George: Well do I still have to tip? And if I don’t, how does that make me look to the server? She knows I was planning on paying something.
Jerry: Ah, I see your point. This is interesting.
George: Is there a statue of limitations on “paying it forward?” Can I wait till next week? Six months? I’m at a loss, Jerry!
Jerry: For once, your stinginess has led to a legitimate intellectual breakthrough.
George: Thank you.
Jerry: That wasn’t a compliment.

Elaine is upset that Puddy is refusing her advances now that football has started back.

Elaine: Did you just move my hand?
Puddy: No, I was just…Yes, I was moving your hand. I don’t like to be touched during the game.
Elaine: What if I touch you he–
Puddy: Nowhere! I’ve waited months to watch the Giants.
Elaine: I can make you wait too, ya know?
Puddy: Not like the NFL does.
Elaine: That’s it! See you after the Super Bowl.

Kramer makes a new friend in the apartment complex. He’s been steadily escalating the relationship. From acquaintance, to friend, to good friend, to BFF, to boyfriend. Unfortunately, he sends a text where he confuses BFF with BBW, which messes up the whole situation.

Modern Seinfeld Monday: “The Lemonade Stand”

Kramer dates a girl named Ashley Madison.

Lloyd Braun gets a job working on Donald Trump’s campaign and uses George’s likeness for an ad about what’s wrong with America.

Elaine buys a pair of dress pants that everyone mistakes for yoga pants.

Elaine: Yoga pants are not dress pants. Everyone knows that! I’m not basic.
Jerry: You mean ratchet.
Elaine: Ratchet means basic.
Jerry: You sure? That doesn’t sound right.
Elaine: I’m pretty sure those terms are interchangeable.
Jerry: I’m pretty sure you’re wearing yoga pants.

Jerry opens up a lemonade stand for charity. He makes a joke with a cop about how “people who like pink lemonade” make him “sick.” The cop thinks he’s serious, takes it personally, and makes Jerry shut down the stand.

Modern Seinfeld Monday: The Follow Back

Jerry spends the night in the ER after a fan puts Jerry’s Twitter and Facebook info as his emergency contact.

Elaine considers breaking up with her boyfriend after she sees that he wears briefs instead of boxer briefs.

Elaine: Am I at that point? Am I back to dating guys who haven’t discovered boxers?
Jerry: What’s the big deal, if you like him?
Elaine: The big deal is that it says something. If he’s always worn them, it means he’s behind the times. If he wore boxer briefs and went back, that shows poor decision making skills.
Jerry: Well he is dating you.
Elaine: What was that?
Jerry: Noth–
Elaine: Shut up.
Jerry: Okay.

George is troubled when a girl he’s been flirting with allows him to follow her on Instagram but does not follow him back.

George: Good sign or bad sign?
Jerry: Very bad sign. It says I don’t hate you, but I don’t like you. I care just enough so that you can envy my life but not enough to where I want to even think about yours.
George: So it’s like every other relationship I’ve had.
Jerry: Essentially.