Modern Seinfeld Monday: The Grammys Party

Jerry becomes the latest comic caught in the #metoo movement after he does a show at a club with a green room so small he thinks it’s a bathroom. A female comic walks in on him changing and accuses him of inappropriate behavior.

Kramer’s Ancestry.com shows that he has more Jewish DNA than he thought. He decides to study to become a rabbi…until the Newman gets him reservations to the hottest seafood restaurant in New York.

Elaine gets invited to a Grammys party by a producer for Bruno Mars. When she arrives she realizes that its a Grammys viewing party and that the producer works for Brüno Martz, the hottest young musician in Yugoslavia.

The new barista at George’s favorite coffee shop likes to talk football and looks a lot like fired NY Giants coach Ben McAdoo. George keeps trying to find out his last name, which gets him banned from the shop. Guest appearance by Eli Manning.

 

Modern Seinfeld Monday: “The Lemonade Stand”

Kramer dates a girl named Ashley Madison.

Lloyd Braun gets a job working on Donald Trump’s campaign and uses George’s likeness for an ad about what’s wrong with America.

Elaine buys a pair of dress pants that everyone mistakes for yoga pants.

Elaine: Yoga pants are not dress pants. Everyone knows that! I’m not basic.
Jerry: You mean ratchet.
Elaine: Ratchet means basic.
Jerry: You sure? That doesn’t sound right.
Elaine: I’m pretty sure those terms are interchangeable.
Jerry: I’m pretty sure you’re wearing yoga pants.

Jerry opens up a lemonade stand for charity. He makes a joke with a cop about how “people who like pink lemonade” make him “sick.” The cop thinks he’s serious, takes it personally, and makes Jerry shut down the stand.

Modern Seinfeld Monday: The Follow Back

Jerry spends the night in the ER after a fan puts Jerry’s Twitter and Facebook info as his emergency contact.

Elaine considers breaking up with her boyfriend after she sees that he wears briefs instead of boxer briefs.

Elaine: Am I at that point? Am I back to dating guys who haven’t discovered boxers?
Jerry: What’s the big deal, if you like him?
Elaine: The big deal is that it says something. If he’s always worn them, it means he’s behind the times. If he wore boxer briefs and went back, that shows poor decision making skills.
Jerry: Well he is dating you.
Elaine: What was that?
Jerry: Noth–
Elaine: Shut up.
Jerry: Okay.

George is troubled when a girl he’s been flirting with allows him to follow her on Instagram but does not follow him back.

George: Good sign or bad sign?
Jerry: Very bad sign. It says I don’t hate you, but I don’t like you. I care just enough so that you can envy my life but not enough to where I want to even think about yours.
George: So it’s like every other relationship I’ve had.
Jerry: Essentially.

Modern Seinfeld Monday: “The Mother’s Day Brunch”

Elaine receives a Mother’s Day card from a coworker because the outfits she’s been wearing make her look pregnant.

Elaine: Can you believe this? Someone got me a card. What do you think of this outfit? Does it look like I’m expecting?
Jerry: Uh…I’m sorry what?
Elaine: This outfit. Does it make me look pregnant?
Jerry: Um…Kramer, get in here! I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
(Kramer Enters)
Elaine: Kramer, does this make me look pregnant?
(Jerry motions for him to say no, but he doesn’t see)
Kramer: Definitely. If I didn’t know any better, I’d wish you Happy Mother’s Day.

George takes his mom out on a Mother’s Day brunch after staying up too late Saturday night. He looks tired and he’s poorly dressed, making him look older than he actually is. Several people mistake them for a couple, which is more than George can bear.

George: Well Jerry, that’s it! I’m out the game!
Jerry: Why? What happened?
George: They thought I was my father. At the brunch, people thought my mom & I were together.
Jerry: You and Estelle Costanza?
George: That’s right, Jerry. There’s no hope.
Jerry: There’s always hope for you, George.
George: Do you really believe that?
Jerry: No.

Modern Seinfeld Monday: “The Boxing Match”

Jerry is asked to replace Chris Rock at a Vegas show. He’s excited for the opportunity, until he realizes his set is during the same time as the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. George & Kramer promise to come to his show & skip the fight, but they both stand him up.

George gets hot at a blackjack table and decides to let it ride. He does so well that they believe he’s counting cards, so casino security “has a little talk” with him in one of the back rooms.

Kramer wins a hotel raffle for fight tickets, so he ditches Jerry’s show. As a joke, he decides to put on a Burger King king suit that he finds near an elevator. He’s escorted to Mayweather’s locker room where he walks to the ring with Beiber & the rest of the Money Team.

Elaine decides to have a girls only weekend at Jerry’s apartment. She spills an expensive pinot noir on his couch cushion. So what does she do? Flips it over to hide the stain.

Modern Seinfeld Monday: “The Name Change”

Kramer’s outdated iPhone won’t let him leave a mass text conversation. He makes the mistake of asking the people in the conversation how to get out. The people (whose names he doesn’t know, only the phone numbers that show up) simply shift the focus of the conversation towards mocking him for being a Luddite who can’t keep up with technology.

Elaine runs into a former college roommate who, after the age of 35, wants to go by her middle name. Elaine refuses to give in, which causes friction between her and the friend.

Jerry: The question is when is the last time you’re allowed to change your name.
Elaine: Freshman year of college. You’re 18, away from your parents, you have a new life. If you don’t do it then, there’s no doing it.
Jerry: I knew a girl named Ashley who switched it up after law school.
Elaine: Fine, doctors & lawyers. They’re the exception. You get me out of a speeding ticket or you get me some non-prescription meds, we’ll call it even.
Jerry: What about comedians?
Elaine: *Smiles* Sure. Good ones.

Modern Seinfeld Monday: “The Autocorrection”

George is doing the best he’s ever done at any job in his life. So he knows it’s only a matter of time before it all comes crashing down. He decides to act preemptively, so he convinces Jerry to drive around the city with him where they look for comfortable, unoccupied bridges where he can live his soon-to-be-homeless life in peace.

Jerry: Ya know, things could go well and get better. Have you ever thought about that?
George: Do you even know who I am? Before the gods destroy me, they always seem to hug me.
Jerry: I feel the same way about my weekend.

Newman gets Kramer a selfie stick for his birthday. So Kramer decides to get a SnapChat account so he can post pictures of himself. Only after 3 days of around-the-clock picture taking does he realize that SnapChat has deleted all of his work.

Elaine’s boss invites the employees to his house for dinner. Afterwards, she sends a thank you text where she wants to refer to the meal her boss’ wife made as a great tasking, clucking chicken. But her iPhone autocorrects the message, changing the word “clucking” to something else. She realizes her mistake and sends out an office-wide email from her phone where she tries to post “Sorry.” Instead, it autocorrects to “Sorrynotsorry,” which she notices right as she’s pressing send.

Now that she’s suspended from work with pay, she’s able to ride with George to help him find a good homeless location.

Modern Seinfeld Monday: “The Perfect Bracket”

George dates a girl who’s given up alcohol for Lent. In a show of solidarity, he tells her he will give up caffeine. He really doesn’t, and she suspects he’s lying. But she can’t prove it. But what upsets him the most is not that she thinks he’s untruthful, it’s that she won’t stop telling everyone she stopped drinking for Lent.

George: It’s annoying, Jerry! Every time we go somewhere it’s, “sorry bartender, can you make me a mocktail? I gave up drinking for Lent.”
Jerry: Look at her observing a religious tradition. She ought to be ashamed of herself.
George: *to the waitress* Another cup of coffee over here! *to Jerry* And she doesn’t believe I gave up caffeine at all. She doesn’t say anything, but it’s how she looks at me when she orders her O’Douls.
Jerry: But you haven’t given up caffeine!
George: Yeah, but she doesn’t know that! As far as she’s concerned I’m my usual, perky energetic self with no help from anything except pure adrenaline and testosterone.
Jerry: Yeah, that’s what she thinks. By the way, why are you giving up anything for Lent? You’re not religious.
George: Oh no, I’m still Latvian Orthodox.
Jerry: You never converted back?
George: Never converted back!

After the first weekend of the NCAA tournament, Elaine has already won her office pool because her bracket is perfect. She’s successfully picked every game, and now, every gambler in New York City is calling her for advice.

Elaine: I don’t even know how they got my number! I just wrote down names on a sheet of paper!
Kramer: I gave out your number.
Elaine: You what?!
Kramer: That’s right. You’ve got a gift. And when you’ve got a gift, you share it or you’ll lose it.
Elaine: I’ve got a gift for you! It involves losing your life!

Modern Seinfeld​ Monday: “The Celebrity Make Out” (Pt 2)

Elaine’s too embarrassed to tell Jerry who she made out with at the Gala, but she assures him that the celeb works regularly, has plenty of money, and is considered an A lister.

Kramer dates a girl named Meghan and thus ends up at a St. Patty’s Day parade where he gets into a fight with some Red Sox fans. What started it? He casually made the comment that the Yankees would win the AL East because Pablo “Panda” Sandoval is way too out of shape.

Jerry dates a girl who works for Microsoft. She knows how to hack computers, so he has her find out who all was at the Gala in order to know who Elaine made out with.

Jerry: Oh, man! I feel like I’m in a movie!
Girlfriend: Yeah, this kinda stuff is fun.
Jerry: Do you do this often?
Girlfriend: No comment.
Jerry: Have you looked into my internet activities?
Girlfriend: No comment.
Jerry: Seriously, though.
Girlfriend: No–ooh! Here’s the guest list.
Jerry: And only one celebrity showed up without a “+1”.
Girlfriend: Eww! No wonder she wanted to keep it secret.
Jerry: Yikes.

Steve Buscemi guest stars.

  

Modern Seinfeld Monday: “The Celebrity Make-Out” (Pt. 1)

Modern Seinfeld​ Monday: “The Celebrity Make Out” (Pt. 1)

After Kramer’s favorite cigar store raises its prices, he decides to invent a vaping cigar in order to put them out of business. The eCigar backfires because he tries to get all the materials from Cuba.

Jerry: Haven’t you learned your lesson? Importing things from Cuba never ends well with you.
Kramer: Yeah, but I thought it’d be different because of the lifted embargo.
Jerry: Even so, why not just get regular cigars from there?
Kramer: You know me, buddy. The Cuban eCigar has to be the real thing.
Jerry: Listen to yourself! The eCigar, a less genuine version of a regular cigar, has to be the real thing? It’s synthetic by definition!
Kramer: I…I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.

George dates a girl named Typhannee, but they break-up because he doesn’t like the way her name’s spelled.

George: What’s wrong with the traditional spelling?
Girlfriend: I didn’t choose my name, my mom did. Are you talking bad about her?
George: Oh no! Noooo…I was just wondering. Seems unnecessarily confusing.
Girlfriend: Well, I like it. It makes me unique.
George: Does it, though? You work in a cubicle, you listen to top 40 radio, your favorite show is the Bachelor, and you’re dating a guy named George. How unique are you really?
Girlfriend: Well there’s one thing on that list, that I would like to change.

Elaine’s writing gets her invited to a star-studded gala where she makes out with a celebrity (To Be Continued…)